Posts Tagged ‘40’
10 more things I know now that I didn’t know then…
1. If, when asked in a job interview, how you found the company overview presentation, you find yourself involuntarily replying with the words “It was all a bit too hard sell for me”, swiftly follow this with the words “I’ll see myself out”.
2. Equally, when being introduced to a very senior manager who asks you “So how long have you been working for us”, you find yourself involuntarily replying with the words “Too long”, again swiftly follow this with the words “I’ll see myself out”.
3. If you find yourself working in an office with a head-shaped dent in the ceiling, caused by a Manager (ex-boxer) flexing his muscular prowess by throwing a junior member of staff in the air, refer to points 1 and 2 for relevant action.
4. If when working in a video shop, you receive an anonymous call that a customer has a gun in his pocket, probably best to just press the panic button rather than stand frozen in terror until the man approaches the counter, implore silently with your eyes for your life to be spared, break into sweat, start muttering prayers before collapsing in relief when the man (bemused victim of a hoax caller) finally leaves with his videos.
5. If you find that you have been imprisoned in a private New Town garden, you thought was a park, by an irate Edinburgh lady and her yappy terrier 5 minutes before you’re due at a job interview, pole-vaulting can help.
6. If, after a firework has been put through your letterbox, you find yourself chasing a minor up the street barefoot, intending to sit on them until the police arrive, you might just want to think a little bit about the consequences of that.
7. Sticking chewing gum in your hair to prove how easily it can be removed again… may backfire.
8. Living every day like it’s your last can be quite problematic when it turns out not to be.
9. The answer to all the big questions in life from love, death and everything in between, is 42.
10. And the answer to all the rest is red wine…
10 things I know now that I didn’t know then
Now that I’m in the lofty heights of the next demographic I feel I want to share with you some of life’s lessons I’ve gathering along this journey so far. So here goes.
10 things I know now that I didn’t know then:
1. A diet rich in beetroot can look a lot like colon cancer.
2. Never show your severed thumb trick to a 3 year old.
3. When buying lip salve, check first that it is indeed lip salve and not in fact bright red lipstick before liberally applying and walking into work.
4. Master the subtle vowel shift between ‘Lemon’ and ‘Blow Job’ before ordering tea in Romania.
5. Equally, be aware that, when serving tea in Egypt, the innocent enquiry ‘Do you have milk?’ is a serious sexual proposition in Arabic.
6. If you find yourself on a bus in a desert and think it’s raining because you feel wet splashes on the arm you’re currently hanging out the window, be warned before you stick your head out to double check, that you are, indeed, in a desert and therefore it’s unlikely to be raining and more likely to be a fellow passenger throwing up at the front of the bus.
7. Don’t fly with Ariana Afghan Airways unless you like near death experiences to feature as part of the inflight entertainment.
8. When in a field surrounded by a herd of angry cows, flail your arms wildly and scream like a crazy woman (until they are more scared of you than you are of them) and try not to electrocute yourself on the fence as you make your escape.
9. Don’t ever enquire if someone is pregnant because if they aren’t, their response will haunt you for many, many year to come.
10. Never tell a friend going through a breakup that you never liked their girlfriend anyway, because when they get back together you will never, ever see either of them ever again.
These are some of the things I’ve learned so far in life. I may share more with you later.
