1. If, when asked in a job interview, how you found the company overview presentation, you find yourself involuntarily replying with the words “It was all a bit too hard sell for me”, swiftly follow this with the words “I’ll see myself out”.
2. Equally, when being introduced to a very senior manager who asks you “So how long have you been working for us”, you find yourself involuntarily replying with the words “Too long”, again swiftly follow this with the words “I’ll see myself out”.
3. If you find yourself working in an office with a head-shaped dent in the ceiling, caused by a Manager (ex-boxer) flexing his muscular prowess by throwing a junior member of staff in the air, refer to points 1 and 2 for relevant action.
4. If when working in a video shop, you receive an anonymous call that a customer has a gun in his pocket, probably best to just press the panic button rather than stand frozen in terror until the man approaches the counter, implore silently with your eyes for your life to be spared, break into sweat, start muttering prayers before collapsing in relief when the man (bemused victim of a hoax caller) finally leaves with his videos.
5. If you find that you have been imprisoned in a private New Town garden, you thought was a park, by an irate Edinburgh lady and her yappy terrier 5 minutes before you’re due at a job interview, pole-vaulting can help.
6. If, after a firework has been put through your letterbox, you find yourself chasing a minor up the street barefoot, intending to sit on them until the police arrive, you might just want to think a little bit about the consequences of that.
7. Sticking chewing gum in your hair to prove how easily it can be removed again… may backfire.
8. Living every day like it’s your last can be quite problematic when it turns out not to be.
9. The answer to all the big questions in life from love, death and everything in between, is 42.
10. And the answer to all the rest is red wine…