Now that I’m in the lofty heights of the next demographic I feel I want to share with you some of life’s lessons I’ve gathering along this journey so far. So here goes.
10 things I know now that I didn’t know then:
1. A diet rich in beetroot can look a lot like colon cancer.
2. Never show your severed thumb trick to a 3 year old.
3. When buying lip salve, check first that it is indeed lip salve and not in fact bright red lipstick before liberally applying and walking into work.
4. Master the subtle vowel shift between ‘Lemon’ and ‘Blow Job’ before ordering tea in Romania.
5. Equally, be aware that, when serving tea in Egypt, the innocent enquiry ‘Do you have milk?’ is a serious sexual proposition in Arabic.
6. If you find yourself on a bus in a desert and think it’s raining because you feel wet splashes on the arm you’re currently hanging out the window, be warned before you stick your head out to double check, that you are, indeed, in a desert and therefore it’s unlikely to be raining and more likely to be a fellow passenger throwing up at the front of the bus.
7. Don’t fly with Ariana Afghan Airways unless you like near death experiences to feature as part of the inflight entertainment.
8. When in a field surrounded by a herd of angry cows, flail your arms wildly and scream like a crazy woman (until they are more scared of you than you are of them) and try not to electrocute yourself on the fence as you make your escape.
9. Don’t ever enquire if someone is pregnant because if they aren’t, their response will haunt you for many, many year to come.
10. Never tell a friend going through a breakup that you never liked their girlfriend anyway, because when they get back together you will never, ever see either of them ever again.
These are some of the things I’ve learned so far in life. I may share more with you later.